Happiness
by SylverEyes
Summary: [Oneshot] If there was ever a time when I was truly happy, it is escaping my memory right now. Aangcentric. [Angst, a bit of drama. No romance!]


This is a oneshot about how Aang feels about his life, and what is happening to him and his friends. Don't laugh if you think the adult descriptions are weird, that's how I see them in my head.

Disclaimer: I love Avatar, but I don't own it. I did get the **AVATAR SEASON** on DVD though, that's pretty good for me.

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If there was ever a time when I was truly happy, it is escaping my memory right now.

I've never been completely unhappy with my life; my life is good, my life has always been good. But there are always those thorns in my side that tell me my life will never be what I see in other people. Or what I used to see in other people.

When I was younger, which was a long time ago, I was happy, maybe the happiest I have ever been. I was in a temple with my friends, and I trained under a master, Monk Gyatso. The only thing that I ever wondered about was my parents. Who were they? Where were they?

And although this was a small thing to be sad about, it caused me great pain. For there were nights when I would stay up, wondering why they had given me up, and whether they would know me when they saw me. Or if I would recognize them when I saw them.

Sometimes I even cried about it. I was afraid that one of the boys would wake up and hear me crying, and know it was me. But no one ever did, and I heard others myself, thinking about their own parents, wondering, just like I did on those starry nights.

The big turnabout in my life was when I was told that I was the Avatar. I wasn't really upset about this; I was upset about what happened afterwards. Everyone who I used to know, who were my friends, my companions. They started to treat me differently. I wasn't allowed to play games because it gave the team I was on an "unfair advantage". The other monks wanted me to be training all the time, honing my skills.

I found refuge in Gyatso, the one person who didn't change around me. He was my teacher, my friend, and more of a father than my biological one. But then something terrible happened, and I grew afraid.

They were going to take me away from him; him away from me. I was to be sent to another temple to complete my training. This scared me. How could they do that to me, take away the very thing that I was desperately clinging to, the last thing that was the same?

I was afraid, so very afraid. I didn't want to be taken away, but I figured that it would be better for me just to leave than to give them the pleasure of tearing me away from my master. So I ran away, on a stormy night with Appa, the last thing I knew.

I don't know if Gyatso would have let them take me away. And I often wonder what would have happened had I not run away, if I had been there and stayed. I tell myself that Gyatso would have kept me with him, but I have no way of ever knowing.

The storm was terrifying. Brutal and strong, it pushed me and my faithful bison underneath the water, waves rolling unmercifully above us, crushing us, pushing us down. Panic overwhelmed me, and I tried to save us.

And then it happened; my Avatar state took over, for the first time ever, and I encased us in an iceberg, not to be found for another hundred years. I slept deeply, still in the Avatar state.

I was found by Katara a hundred years later. I didn't know that so much time had passed. I never wanted to be the Avatar, and I didn't tell them when they asked me who I was. I was afraid that they would push me away as everyone else had done. But I was wrong.

They welcomed me, Katara and Sokka, and our fateful journey began, one that would lead me to where I am now.

So I thought that I had found happiness. That was until I went to my Air Temple, and I found that the firebenders had destroyed all the life there. I was sad and angry; confused. I didn't know what happened, but when I saw Gyatso's skeleton, something broke inside of me. I went into the Avatar state for the second time.

So I was never really completely happy after that. I was very happy, yes. I had Sokka and Katara, and more and more people would praise me for being the Avatar. But there was always that hole in me, where none should have been. It has never been filled.

There is always someone there, who is angry at me for being the Avatar. Because I was gone for a century, and it is my fault that the war started, and escalated into something bigger, something as big as this. And I know that it's true. The guilt I feel wells up inside of me, and I feel like running away again, hiding myself so I don't do anything else to the world.

But my family was always there to comfort me. Sokka and Katara, Appa and Momo. And I grew and blossomed under their love and care. That hole was always there though. That little something that couldn't be filled by the kindest friends.

Many times in the past have I felt guilty for what I have destroyed in the Avatar state. It consumed me, and I couldn't control what I do during it, I couldn't stop myself from hurting other people. No one deserves to be hurt like that, and yet I couldn't stop it. The lives that I have ruined weigh on my shoulders every day.

When I'm in that awful state, I can see everything that I do. I can see how I topple buildings, crush ships, and drown people. Humans, just like me, who are fighting for a cause that they believe is right. It doesn't matter who it is, but I'm hurting them all the same. And it hurts me, but I couldn't fight it, couldn't do anything about it.

So the hole grew, and no one could make me feel better about that. Not until I met a strong earthbender whose blunt nature snapped some sense into me, something that hadn't happened since I had met the water tribe siblings.

Her fresh approach to how I handled things knocked me into a place that I can't quite describe. It's a friendship that grows over time, and I grew to know her, my earthbending teacher. We welcomed her into our family, and she settled down like she had always been there.

So our bonds grew and strengthened, and that hole that had grown bigger diminished, but didn't disappear. No, I feel that I will always have that there, no matter what happens to me.

Even before Toph came, on top of everything else there was Zuko, who tracked us, trying to capture me. I think that Katara and Sokka hate him; it's easy to see from the way their faces twist angrily when he catches up to us.

But I do not hate him. Katara and Sokka grew up in a world of fighting, war and danger. They make assumptions and it's in their blood to fight, because that's how they were born. But I know better, I know better than they do.

I lived in a world where all nations were friends. I knew many people from all of the nations, and we could understand each other, know the other cultures and traditions, and we were not prejudiced.

Zuko was born in a country where they are taught that the Fire Nation is superior to all others. He is taught that he needs to continue and/or finish this war for his country's sake, and get rid of those barbaric other nations.

But the fire prince is a person, and he sees Sokka and Katara the same way that they see him. He wants to capture me, because that was burned into his mind, branded on his soul until that is what he sees as the right path. He was just influenced by the wrong people.

And it is wrong to hurt somebody who has a different outlook on things than you do. I know this, and I do not want to hurt Zuko. I do not hate him. And I am sorry whenever I do hurt him. Because that was how I was brought up.

After Zuko came his sister, the fire princess. She is merciless, and I do not feel as compassionate or sympathetic to her as I do her brother. However, the same evaluation applies to her as to Zuko; she was brought up by the Fire Nation, and therefore poisoned by their views.

Her head is full of more lies than Zuko's because she was in the palace for longer than he. It might also have something to do with _who_ brought her up such as her father as opposed to her mother. But I would not know; perhaps I will never know.

Zuko's sister has two followers, the one who throws daggers and the one who knows pressure points. Mai and Ty Lee. They do not seem to be doing this because they want to; they are simply following their leader, doing as she says because she says it.

I have never understood their opinions on the war; they have never expressed them to me. They seem to not care what happens, and are only interested in their own lives. Because of this, it makes me wonder whether they could be persuaded otherwise, if ever they were to leave the lightning girl. It is something to ponder on a rainy day.

Recently, it seems that for every step we take forward to defeating the Fire Nation, the world puts us two steps back. They are capturing more and more cities, bringing more and more people over to their side, convincing them that they are right.

Pressure has also been a factor in my happiness. Everyone always wants me, needs me, to be the Avatar all the time, to never need a hug, or someone to lean on, I always need to be strong. But that is not possible; I am just a thirteen year old child, and I need others too.

At the North Pole, I was so afraid, again in my life. There were a great many Fire Nation ships there, laying siege to the North Pole. Some people expected me to get rid of them all, because I am the Avatar. But I was just one person, one child. I couldn't do it by myself.

I must defeat the Fire Lord by the end of the summer, when Sozin's Comet arrives. It was hard enough, to try and master all of the elements, but to do it in a few months was going to be nearly impossible. I was so anxious, and I couldn't help but tell myself, _they picked the wrong kid._

It is also going to be hard for me to find a firebending master to teach me. I already have Toph and Katara, who are teaching me, but I will need to know firebending to defeat the Fire Lord. It would definitely be impossible to defeat him without it, because he will undoubtedly be a master himself.

Sometimes, I would lie awake at night, just as I would at the temple, listening to my friends sleep and wonder how I am supposed to do this. Sometimes I become angry, and I want to rage at everyone.

When I am in this mood, questions always arise, and I can't help but ask them to myself. Why are they piling all of this on me? How can the expect me to be able to do this? They are not the most supportive bunch all the time, why couldn't this huge job been put on someone else?

Other times, it makes me want to cry with despair. I feel that I can't do it, and I should give up now. But I always roll over to look at my friends, and I see the reason why I keep going and I keep trying. It's for them. And for all the other imprisoned families, people who have lost brothers, fathers and sons.

And so now I am looking at my faithful friends, again a night where I lie awake, pondering what is to become of me, and what is going to happen in my future. I feel so much love for all of them, and it's these peaceful moments that make me think that everything is right in the world.

My gaze rests on Katara. She is smiling in her sleep, and the moon glides over her skin beautifully, making her glow softly in the night. And as I see her, I don't really see her, I see another person.

I see a tall, gentle woman, grown into her body. Her chocolate hair is still in a braid with her loops, perhaps to remind her of the turmoil that she went through when she was younger. She also grew into her eyes, but they are still bright and blue, kind with some humor behind them.

Her clothes are different. She wears a dress with a long skirt, going to her mid-calves. Underneath that she wears indigo tights. The blue matches her eyes, and there is a silky white ribbon wrapping around her waist, neck, and wrists. There is also white cloth as a sash almost, going around her back and chest. Her necklace is still there, a tribute to and in memory of her mother.

I see her waterbending, moving gracefully through the stances and shaping the water into forms that she wants. Her waist is smaller, and she has more curves than awkward angles that teenagers have.

I see her as the woman she will one day be, and I see the friend that she already is.

I next see Toph, sleeping fitfully. Her face is impassive, but her eyes are squeezed shut as though to block something out. Maybe she is having a bad dream. But I will not ask her in the morning. It is her business.

And Toph transforms as well. She also has more curves, but she never really grew taller. The humor and sarcasm are still there, shining in her face, and her eyes are as pale green and beautiful as ever. Her long, ebony hair is down, but her trademark bangs still hang in her face.

She discarded the loose dress for a shirt and pants, because her stubbornness did not disappear as she grew older. Her pants hug her legs just below her knees, but are green and baggy elsewhere. Her shirt is well-fitting, but not like Katara's. It's loose enough to move around easily in. A strip of yellow cloth crosses her chest at a diagonal, a few buttons at the top open, giving her more room to breathe.

Her earthbending is as powerful as ever, but she has perfected it, and it doesn't take so much concentration as it does now. She is still barefoot, and launches rocks into the air, sparring with invisible enemies.

I see Toph as the master she'll grow to be, and the companion that she already is.

Sokka is next. He is frowning in his sleep, but he is still and breathing evenly. He is partway out of his sleeping bag, and is shivering slightly from the cool breeze that is slipping around our campsite.

His features turn into one of a grown man. Sokka's muscles are much more defined. His brown hair has grown out, and he does not shave it on the sides anymore, although he does keep part of it up, looking much like his father. His face is sharper and he has the faintest hint of a beard, and his sky blue eyes twinkle with jokes.

Sokka is still wearing a sleeveless shirt, but this one looks as though it has been through a lot, with ragged edges and torn in spots. The colors are the same, but you can hardly tell from the dirt stains on his clothes. His pants are much like Toph's, but are a dark blue color, almost black. He is still carrying around a sack where he keeps everything, as always.

And now I see Sokka using his boomerang expertly, flinging it with causal ease and it cutting through the air back to him. He is much more competent with his weapons, and successfully uses his club to gracefully hack off a tree branch.

I see Sokka as the warrior he will eventually become, and the brave man that he already is.

I could imagine them all together, relaxing and not having to worry about a war. Knowing that all the nations are at peace, and they won't have to get up and fight the Fire Nation at any moment. Knowing that the world is again in balance.

And even though this is one of the nights where I want to cry, and I'm awake because I cannot get to sleep with all this weight and responsibility on my shoulders, and I feel heavily everything that I've done and everything that's been done to me, and that hole that won't be filled by anything...

And even though I have never been truly happy, and still am not, perhaps sometime, someday, I will be.

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**Author's Notes:**

I hope this didn't sound too weird or too... not like Aang. I'm sorry if it did. But I had this spaz attack where I needed to write something, and I wanted to show that Aang gets to have some angst too, not just Zuko! (Who admittedly is perfect for angst, and I am addicted to angst stuff no matter whose point of view it's from.)

This is going to stay a oneshot people, I'm not going to add anymore, although I don't think that there are any questions in here or anything that you might want answered, but just in case someone was going to ask me to.

So please review, I'd love to hear what you've got to say!


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